christmas

helenb 10 years ago

3 replies

I used to LOVE Christmas and I know this will be my hubbys last one jts so difficult to put on a happy face to everyone including my hubby who expects me to be my usuall happy self  he want to buy me something to remember him by as if id forget him,so im trying so hard not to show my feelings to anyone and it is so HARD 

Jane 10 years ago

Hello helenb and welcome to the community.  It can be very difficult and isolating to cope with your own feelings when you’re living with someone in this situation, and it’s important that you get support too.

Our community has only just started up so it may take a little longer for people to reply at first, but in the meantime you might find something helpful on our website – we have a section dedicated to support for families and carers. You could try this to begin with:

http://www.mariecurie.org.uk/en-GB/patients-carers/for-carers/support/

Does anyone else who’s going through or been through a similar thing have any ideas they’d like to share?

Jane

HilaryB 10 years ago

Helenb, supporting someone that you love, who is dying, is the hardest thing. Your husband may want you to be your usual happy self, but I doubt whether he really believes you can be. If buying you a special present makes him feel happier, then I would go along with it, however much you don't feel it is necessary. 

Everyone deals with things in their own way - I preferred to try to put a brave face on, because that worked for me and my husband, but that isn't appropriate for many people. The best gift you can give him is to enable him to have as good a time as possible, while worrying as little as possible about what will happen when he's gone. It'll be very hard, but at least you'll be able to look back and take comfort (however small) from the fact that you did your best. 

TheHodCarrier 9 years ago

Hi helenb,

I agree with HilaryB, and I suspect she is right about:

'Your husband may want you to be your usual happy self, but I doubt whether he really believes you can be'.

'Doing our best' is the best that any of us can do - looking back, you will probably think 'I could have done better' but in reality, we all learn things as we go along, and knowing that 'I could do it better now' does not mean 'I could have done it better then'.

'Going along with the wishes of a dying person' is, I think, almost always the way to go - the alternative, would be to argue with a dying loved-one, and personally arguing with, and 'upsetting', a dying loved-one, isn't anything I would be keen to do.

By the way, at the risk of appearing sexist: I gather (and I'm male - so this isn't something I'm going to understand !) that women are much more 'self-critical' than men, on the whole. Try to avoid being overly self-critical, if you are supporting a dying loved-one, or have supported a loved-one who has died: you will [I suspect] have enough regrets as it is, without unnecessarily adding more to the list.